Peace And Smiles
My adventures as a Peace Corps Volunteer in Thailand:The Land of Smiles
1/3/2018 1 Comment Project 365New Year’s Day has come and gone and, while I enjoyed a weekend in Bangkok with some of my closest friends, a different date feels far more significant this year. January 4, 2018 will mark one year since I left my family at the security line in O’Hare airport and began my Peace Corps journey. Everything I’ve written to try and sum up this year feels in adequate. I learned a new language, met countless new people, overcame the biggest challenges life has thrown at me, and have started to dive deeper into the process of self-exploration and growth. But there have also been smaller conversations, four different moves, and the struggle of learning how to exist in a totally foreign environment. I have written blogs and journal entries throughout the year but recently I noticed that those seem to discuss and process the big events of the year and the smaller more “insignificant” days don’t seem to get enough credit. I also have taken thousands of photos this year but, again, most of those photos were on vacations or during big celebrations. What I am missing is accounts of my daily life: my work, my community, the people I interact with on a daily basis. I realized that, in another year, that’s what I’m going to be missing most and what I’ll want to talk about when I return to the states. So, I have decided that this year I will take and caption a photo every day. I want to describe the places and the people in the community I have come to call home. I want you all to see and understand a little more what exactly it is I do here. And I want to have something that I can one day look back on and say THIS is an accurate depiction of my Peace Corps service. To hold myself accountable and keep my goals in mind I have laid a couple of ground rules I want to share with you all:
To view the photos, go to the Project 365 tab or click here. I look forward to sharing this life with you all and hope that you all enjoying learning about it. Wishing you all happiness and growth in the new year, Kayla
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12/17/2017 3 Comments Same, Same, But DifferentLast winter, I worked at Eddie Bauer. Before the snow had fallen and the sidewalks were coated in ice, I rode my bike to work. It was about a 10-minute ride and the temperature was perfect, warm enough that I didn’t really need a jacket but cool enough that I didn’t show up to work drenched in sweat. Biking home was always a comfort. There was a point where I would turn into my neighborhood and smell the mixed aroma of neighbors’ cooking and fireplaces mixed with the nipping chill of a late fall evening. At home, a hot meal was always waiting (though, depending on the time, it might have required some microwaving) and I would watch Netflix with my younger siblings. Unless it was a school night: then, I would chat with them about what homework they were doing before going to my room next door and watching Netflix alone before going to sleep.
Last Wednesday, I took my weekly bike ride to the market. It’s about 10 kilometers and, with the cool season setting in, the ride has become much more enjoyable. On the way home, it was even cool enough that I didn’t end up drenched in sweat. As I turned down the last back road before reaching my neighborhood, the sun setting behind three palm trees mixed with the fires set by farmers burning the weeds from their fields and the distant sounds of mortar and pestle (often used in a Thai kitchen) brought a sense of comfort. At home, two of my friends came over to see what I had bought and we chatted about what they had learned in second grade that day. It’s dark already, so they can’t stay long and I go inside with the hot food I bought an hour ago and watch Netflix alone before going to sleep. Discovering similarities brings me comfort, and moments of joy. But it’s the glaring differences that stand out as the noteworthy and rewarding parts of my service and, ultimately, they are the reason I stay. 12/3/2017 5 Comments Thoughts on IntegrationIntegration is the backbone of our work here. And it is the hardest benchmark to define. Am I serving coffee at a meeting because I’m finally thought of as a regular employee or have I just met everyone in the room so there’s no need to show me off? Are people really excited to see me biking past or do they just like to practice the one English word they know (“Hello, Kayla!”) Have I actually integrated here or is the newness of the “farang” just wearing off? Are those two things mutually exclusive? I’ve come to the unsatisfying conclusion that integration looks different for everyone and there’s not one way to determine when we have become integrated. But I’ve also come to the slightly more satisfying conclusion that I recognize my integration when I come home.
During the past two months, I’ve traveled more than I did my first 9 months in Thailand combined. October is school break in Thailand so I took the opportunity to visit friends and attend a couple Peace Corps trainings. Then, in November, I helped a friend with a camp and spent five days in Chiang Mai to celebrate Thanksgiving with other volunteers. Towards the end of all of these trips I realized I was ready to go back to my site. A direct contrast from when I first traveled out of my site last May and was terrified to return to the unfamiliar world where I was the only “farang” (foreigner) for miles. This change didn’t completely shock me: I’ve been intentional about creating routines and decorating my house with cards and pictures so it feels more like home. And while these things have brought me a lot of comfort, the biggest reason I love to go home is the people waiting for me. There are three men who drive the song taews (a sort of open air bus) to my village and after months of sitting in the front seat and chatting, we have become friends. If I’m returning in the morning, the drivers leave as soon as I arrive, because they want to make sure I get to work on time, and will often drop me right at my door, instead of the stop around the corner. The women who live next door will always greet me and update me on my house (one time they had planted a vegetable garden, another time kittens had been spotted near the farm equipment.) My front gate makes a lot of noise and that will alert everyone else on the street (mostly the neighbor kids) that it’s time to sprint over and inquire about if I bought cheese while I was gone and when won’t I be tired anymore so we can play. Once I’ve eaten, showered, and put some things away, I’ll bike over to the Tessaban (government building). They used to question me endlessly if I wasn’t in by 8, now they know I will make it in as soon as I can and there’s no need to worry. On Mondays, I go to one of my further schools and, even though I most likely was only gone the weekend, my co teacher knows I was travelling and we are able to chat about where I went and where he thinks I should go next. The students’ energy is always a challenge on these days but I’ve learned to match it so I am no longer focusing on how tired I am or how I already miss my friends. After school, I go home and am able to have peace to process my trip, unpack, and clean my house, because my neighbors have explained to their kids that I can’t play today; they can call for me tomorrow, instead. These same neighbors will also check to make sure I have food to eat because they know I haven’t been to the market recently. This constant awareness of me and my well- being used to drive me crazy. I am, after all, an adult who moved across the world; I can handle myself. But, after almost a year here, I know that they only have my best interests in mind and the checking in is just a sign of how much they care, I smile now when they leave instead of rolling my eyes. So, am I integrated? Some days it certainly feels like it. Other days, I’m only reminded how little I really know about how this place functions and the stories of the people who live here. Honestly, I don’t think I will ever be fully integrated in the sense that I will never be a full-fledged citizen of Khong Chai. My limited time here, my “farang” status, my opportunities and ability to travel and attend trainings all over the countries are all factors that hinder that total integration. But continuing on this journey with the intention to build relationships and learn as much as I can despite these factors will only make every return, whether it’s after a weekend, a week, or years away, feel like coming back home. 9/6/2017 0 Comments United Against HateDuring Peace Corps service, it is not uncommon for volunteers to travel together, sometimes to each other’s sites and sometimes to the bigger cities. Understandably, when other people see a group of Americans who all speak Thai and all seem to know each other, they start asking questions. It was during one of these trips, at a hostel in Bangkok, that I and a few other volunteers were asked “So what does the Peace Corps doing for a country that is at peace?” We were taken aback for a moment and then stumbled through our usual explanation of YinD vs TCCS and how teaching English and life skills really does Make a Difference. He accepted our answer and moved on but his question has stuck with me and I think that if I were to be asked again I would answer differently.
Peace Corps only goes to countries that are “at peace”. The reason for that, and what I wish I could tell the man from the hostel, is our job is not to create peace in a country but rather to use peace to build bridges and friendships across cultures. We are the Peace Corps because our methods are non violent- we learn the language and the culture, we integrate into our communities, and we respond to each of those community’s unique needs. In the process, we end up sharing our American culture. Sometimes this is simple: we celebrate Fourth of July, we make Jell-O or pancakes or other American food with our community members. But other times we are forced to dispel unfortunate stereotypes and that proves to be much more difficult. Right now, it is no secret that, in the world’s eye, America is not viewed in the best light. News from our country is broadcasted on Thai televisions; I’ve seen flashes of disbelief when I tell people that Americans think dark skin is beautiful; other volunteers in Muslim- dominated communities have had much more difficult conversations with their neighbors. But we do it. We have these conversations, breaking language barriers to explain that there are people of many colors in America and not everyone believes what our President has to say. All over the world, Peace Corps Volunteers are uniting against the hate we are seeing. We are teaching English and life skills but we are also trying to change minds and stereotypes. And I think that if I were to encounter the man from the hostel again in my lifetime, I would tell him that we are in a country at peace because America is not yet peaceful. But there are Americans who want to change that and educating our friends and families back home about a foreign culture while being an American face of love in that culture is how we have chosen to be that change. We use peace to spread peace and unite against hate. 8/7/2017 3 Comments ConnectionThis word has been on my mind a lot lately. As a human, I need it; as an extrovert, I actively seek it; as a PCV, I miss it. These are truths I realize more and more each day. The first 22 years of my life were spent learning how to make connections and build relationships through open communication and shared interest. So what do you do when one of those is taken away, making the other much harder to discover? Some will call it loneliness, yet I am not alone; in fact, I am constantly surrounded by and working with people. But, with these people, something is missing. More often than loneliness, I feel longing- for a deeper connection to these people, for a person who knows me the way my best friends back home do, for a friend to speak freely with, in a language we both feel comfortable speaking. Right now, these are not entirely possible, and I am working to accept that. At a training a few weeks ago my friend, Libby, did a tarot card reading for me. We discussed connection: my current lack of it, my desire for it, how I could find it. My second to last card, or what is needed to resolve the situation, was Courage. My final card, what will come if I find Courage, was Intensity. Since then, I’ve become more intentional, more aware, more proactive. At site, I am not able to connect with people in a way I’ve grown comfortable with so how can I find it elsewhere? I’ve tried to reveal more of my personality, a challenge when tiptoeing around cultural norms and a language barrier. And I’m not claiming success yet but I did find a second grader who laughed at my sarcasm, and then proceeded to joke with me. I’ve tried to be bolder and ask “Why?” more often, because how I can connect with people if I don’t understand their lifestyle? And I remind myself that I have other volunteers. Maybe we’ve known each other less than a year but with every conversation and shared moment, I feel more confident about sharing more, reaching for that deeper connection. And I have people back home, and we have internet and data plans. So I have all the tools, I am working on refining my methods, and I don’t know if I will ever be perfect at connecting but, for now, I’m okay with just being better.
6/27/2017 4 Comments Reasons WhyIt’s been over a month since I posted last. I was going to start this post with an apology and an explanation for the lack of updates but then I realized that an explanation was much easier said then done. I don’t really have a good reason for not posting so instead I decided to go against everything every English and Writing teacher has ever told me and give you a list of things that are not reasons:
Going forward, I promise to try and post more consistently. I don’t want to give myself a timeline but I will aim for more than once a month. In the meantime, know that I am okay, I am doing well, and I would not trade this life for anything. 5/14/2017 6 Comments To This Past YearThis post has been challenging me for a while. I’ve known what I want to say but the trouble has come with how I want to say it. After writing and scratching out and typing and deleting countless drafts I’ve decided the best approach is to introduce you to two people.
The first person will usually respond to “Q”. Her close friends call her “Nugget” but most will refer to her as “McCabe.” She has just graduated college, where she was goalie on the lacrosse team, a member of Gamma Phi Beta sorority, and fairly active in her Catholic faith and the church on campus. She has a lot of friends and spends almost every night of senior year out with them. Most days are uneventful and if you asked, she would tell you her life is easy. But she wouldn’t tell you that every day she feels bored, unsatisfied, and very unhappy. The second person is most likely to respond to “Gaade”, although she will also respond if you yell “farang” while she is biking somewhere. She is a Peace Corps Volunteer in Thailand. She has become used to showering with a bucket and just learned how to hand wash her clothes. She has trouble understanding most of what is said to her and has become used to sweating day in and day out. Every day is exhausting but if you asked, she would tell you she is happy with where she is and content with what she is doing. So what is the difference between these two people? The short answer is a year. On May 15, 2016, I walked across the stage and graduated from Purdue University. Now, 365 days later, I am showering with a bucket and hand washing my clothes in Thailand. The year between these two people is important but just as important, I think, is the year before. I started my senior year fresh from a semester abroad in Dublin, Ireland. After spending every weekend there traveling somewhere new, the slow, routine life at Purdue was a shock to my system. Rotating between the same 4 bars and having a schedule that never really changed started to take its toll. I had almost no interest in my classes and was most likely to be seen leaving bars on my own because I just wasn’t having fun. Not living in my sorority house resulted in me becoming less involved and detached from a life I had loved before going abroad. Additionally, a knee injury I had sustained a year prior had not healed properly so instead of playing lacrosse I was spending 2-3 days a week in physical therapy and struggling to walk to my classes. Second semester showed little improvement. I was able to play lacrosse again but not nearly as well as I used to and regular exercise was still painful. Nights out became more frequent but my interest decreased even more. And now my frustration at my stagnant lifestyle would manifest itself as misdirected drunk anger at my friends (who, to their credit, would always forgive me the next morning… thank you guys, you have no idea how much I appreciate it). I also took the second semester senior stereotype to heart and had no problem skipping class if I was hungover or just didn’t want to go. But that semester I took comfort in two things: my Peace Corps application and planning a trip in the Selway- Bitterroot Wilderness. The promise of adventure to come motivated me to continue doing well so I could escape the college town life in Indiana. And when I walked across that stage, I felt, above anything else, immense relief. To Meredith, Alli, Taylor, Jojo, Liz, and all who were a part of my Purdue experience: College was not the best four years of my life but that doesn’t diminish the value I place on our friendship. The moments we shared, memories we made, forgiveness you showed, and support you gave me is what got me through a less than stellar year. Thank you for loving me and staying in touch, we can pay Harold a visit when I come home. Less than a week after graduating, I packed up my stuff and moved Up North to Camp Manito- wish. At that point, I needed this place more than ever. A safe haven for me for more than 10 years, I know that I can always count on Camp to lift my spirits. This past summer, I was given the opportunity to lead a 24-day trip in Idaho’s Selway- Bitterroot Wilderness. I had been dreaming of this chance ever since I was a participant in high school. I couldn’t wait to give my girls the experience I had been given five years ago. What I didn’t think about, though, and what I’m grateful for above all else, is how much I could be impacted as a leader. Five incredible young women showed me how to have fun again. They reminded me that it’s okay if not everything goes according to plan, we are so lucky to be out in nature and to be together. My brain had been just as restless as my body and working with them to problem solve when we had no water or when we weren’t sure where we were brought me back to life. The trip was far from perfect but you can’t learn from perfection, you learn when you are challenged to make imperfection positive and tough situations conducive to growth. I believe that is what we did, what my girls did, and it helped me take the first step towards the person I am now. To Regan, Brooke, Abby, Lauren, and Naomi: thank you ladies. Our trip will always be special to me and I hope it will be for you. I can’t wait to see where your lives take you. Idahomies forever <3 After my Western, my time at Manito- wish was far from over. I worked through October as a leadership facilitator. Essentially, groups would come to camp for 2-5 days and we would facilitate team building activities. The groups were great, it was fun to work with so many different people and see how they reacted in different situations. But what made my fall special was the 12 people I worked with. We all lived in one house together which with a lot of people can be detrimental for community building. But, for us, it was perfect. We spent many nights snacking in the kitchen after sending the kids to bed and a day off could mean spending time at a coffee shop or traveling to nearby towns, we even staged an entire wedding complete with bachelor and bachelorette parties, a ceremony, and a reception. It sounds goofy, and it was, but after a year of spending most of my free time bored and daydreaming, it was exactly what I needed. This staff was comprised of the most free- spirit and supportive individuals I’ve ever met. I was going through legal and medical clearance for the Peace Corps, other people were applying to jobs or schools and we all understood the need for time to ourselves, times to vent our stress and frustrations, and times to just forget it all and enjoy each other. We were constantly affirming each other and I left in October feeling like I had slowly started to find my happiness again. To Katie, Bryn, Pat, Julia, Devon, Maggie, Mary, Lilly, Gwyn, Dubz, Mike, and Alex: Thanks for an awesome season. I’ve had a lot of experiences at Manito- wish but I couldn’t imagine a better way to end that part of my life than with our Fall season. I miss you all lots and know you’re up to all sorts of good things (mostly because I watch your snap stories and see your updates on Facebook). Leaving Manito- wish was hard. I know that most of who I am is because of what I experienced in the Northwoods. But despite the tears shed on the 8 hour drive home, I knew that moving back home for the months before Peace Corps was important. I hadn’t spent any significant time at home since leaving for college and I was looking forward to getting to know my siblings again before leaving for Thailand. I got a job at Eddie Bauer for the holiday season and although working retail is far from a dream come true, I did get to work with some incredible people. I only knew them for a few months but they were such a positive light in an otherwise dreary line of work. I consider them my friends and was so happy when they gave me their emails so they could keep up with my life here. After four years of feeling overshadowed in a big university, these people made me feel appreciated and proud of what I was about to do. To the Eddie Bauer staff: I haven’t known you guys for very long but I’m so happy I wandered into the store and asked for an application. Knowing you guys keep up with my life here makes me smile and I can’t thank you enough for the laughs and commiseration during long closes. Hopefully those closes have sped up since I left. Those months at home weren’t easy. My family had its own challenges we were working through and I often found myself longing for the Northwoods or looking forward to Thailand. But those months were also some of the most important of the last year. My mom and I were able to become closer than we ever have been and I was able to strengthen my relationships with my siblings as well. All of my aunts, uncles, and cousins were ready to do what they could to support me and my family and I have never felt more love than in the week before I left. The visits and gifts I received meant so much and I know that no matter what, the Gleason/ McCabe squad has my back. To my family: there is nothing I could say that will adequately express the love and appreciation I have for you all. It wasn’t easy to say good bye but I will never forget the support and love I felt before leaving. Thank you for being there the past 22 years of my life. (And Aunt Loyola, Flat Stanley has a place on my mirror where I can see him every day.) Possibly one of the best morale boosters in those last months at home was reconnecting with my old friends from high school, all of whom were not entirely surprised when I told them I was joining the Peace Corps. I loved this reaction, it made me feel like I was truly about to do what I was meant for. Those final months in the US were marked with hard good byes and bittersweet “last” memories. But those two months also showed me I was on the right path. They proved to me that I can handle a lot of challenges and that my light and self-love were slowly coming back to the surface. I got on that plane in January feeling confident that the next two years were what I needed. To Sarah, Taylor, Yoli, Ashley, Maeve, Johno, Johnny, Dan, and Brian: thank you for those last few months. You guys are irreplaceable and reconnecting after years of being the absent friend was exactly what I needed. Your futures are so exciting and I can’t wait to hear all about it when we meet in Downtown Naperville in 2019. The final chapter of the past year is obviously the start to my Peace Corps service. A dream I’ve held onto for years, I honestly don’t think I would be here if it wasn’t for the past year of my life. I left Chicago in January feeling terrified but also confident and so ready for what was to come. These five months have been far from easy: there are times when I need to remember to enjoy the ride, times when I need to remember to take of myself, times when I need to reach out for support, and times when I need to pull out my photo album and look at the smiling faces of the people who have loved and supported me throughout this process. I am this person only because the past 12 months have introduced me to her. And I don’t think I’ll stay this way for long. The road to total self-love and happiness is long and full of obstacles. I know the hardest is yet to come and the best may not look so great at the time. But I think for now I’m going to enjoy the fact that a bucket shower makes me happy and hand washing my clothes really isn’t as terrible as it sounds. To this past year: Thank you for everything. 3/22/2017 1 Comment New BeginningsTen weeks ago, I said good bye to my family in America. We cried and hugged and prolonged the moment that I would walk away from them. But eventually I had to and I got on a plane to meet up with 60 strangers in San Francisco.
Since that day, so much has happened. This group of strangers, bonded by simultaneous feelings of fear and excitement boarded a plane and flew to a country where we knew no one. We battled jetlag and nonexistent language skills for the first 10 days before splitting off into our homestays. We were anxious, awkward, and uncomfortable but it was okay because 12 hours later we were reunited and sharing stories of how much we had to eat and how many times our family yelled “ab nahm” at us before we figured out it meant shower. In the weeks that followed, this group of strangers learned together, laughed together, struggled together. We supported each other on bad days and celebrated every small success. Together, we figured out the country and community we had become a part of. On Sunday, this group said good bye to our families in Thailand. We cried and hugged them but then celebrated being back together again. Together, we swore in as volunteers and met our counterparts and supervisors for the first time. We were still awkward but excited for the journey ahead of us. Today, this group is no longer strangers. Today, I said good bye to my family. We cried and hugged and prolonged the moment that we would walk away from each other. But eventually we had to and now we spread out all over the country, ready to begin our experience as PCVs. Peace Corps Thailand Group 129: I love you all, I am cheering for all of you and look forward to reuniting at our new homes and hearing about all the great things you will do. Thank you for the support, the laughs, and the love. Thank you for becoming my family. This past weekend, my training class and I spent Saturday night in Bangkok. We ate too much non- Thai food (my friend from Wisconsin and I found a restaurant that served Bloody Mary’s and cheese curds, I think both of us were near tears), went out to a club, and just generally enjoyed a freedom we had been feeling deprived of in Singburi (there’s something restricting about having to be home by 6 PM every day.) We also had the chance to meet some currently serving volunteers. They had plenty of stories of their years of service but in between those they also told us to enjoy the last bit of PST. It’s a long and difficult process but it’s also the only time all 60 of us will be within biking distance of each other and be able to see each other every day. They advised us to make the most of the time we have left and to cherish every moment.
My original draft of this post included a list of specific moments I was thankful for. Moments that I felt have shaped my training experience and the volunteer I will be. But I had to stop, the list was just too long. I tried to be picky but the reality is every moment felt too important to omit. And isn’t that a funny thing about moments? They are so small we barely give them a second thought at the time but looking back, everything we have ever done is made up of them. Every moment becomes a link to what we have learned and the people who taught us all of a sudden forming an unbreakable, unforgettable, irreplaceable chain of experiences leading to who we are and who we will be. So, here’s to the moments! With my host family: the meals, the excursions, the afternoons in the salons; with Peace Corps staff: the classes, the culture, and the language shared; and with my fellow trainees: the bike rides, the meals, the confusion, the laughs, and the adventure. Thank you for forming my PST experience. I am looking forward to 2 years full of moments we will never forget. 2/21/2017 3 Comments AdjustedA friend of mine always says “Everything will be alright in the end; if it’s not alright, it’s not the end.” This quote has been on my mind a lot the past week. Today was the beginning of Week 7. In 3 days I will finish my teaching practicum at Wat Pikun Thong and in 3 weeks I will move out of my homestay, swear in as a volunteer, and move to my site for the next two years. It’s not the end of my adventure by a long shot but it is the end of a big chapter in my Peace Corps story.
So, what has this chapter looked like? Well, every morning I wake up at 6, I eat breakfast with my Mae, let her braid my hair, and then bike to language class. I am there for four hours and then I bike about 8 kilometers to my practicum school where I spend an hour teaching a 4-6 graders English with the use of “life skills activities” (teamwork, communication, etc.). After that, I bike next door to a coffee shop where I plan the next day’s lesson before heading home at 6. Most days my Mae will have people in her salon until about 8 so I sit in there doing my best to follow their conversations and answer their questions. In the meantime, I will also help my sister in law cook dinner and the two of us will eat together before I shower (using a bucket) and go to bed at 10. Every day I learn new words, meet new people, and get into new ridiculous situations (last Wednesday my family drove me two hours to climb a mountain… at night…). The road hasn't been easy but I have come so far since the beginning: 7 weeks ago I was crying on a flight to San Francisco, totally unsure of what was waiting for me in Thailand and wondering if I was setting myself up to feel lost and alone for two years. Today, the teachers at my school found out it was my last week. They thanked me and said they would miss me. My kids asked if I could stay longer and keep teaching them. Last night, my Mae and I chatted for about 30 minutes. She made me promise to give her my address and send her a selfie when I arrived safely to my site (because neither of us can write in the other’s language, selfies have become a main form of communication/ checking in for us.) She promised to call me when my sister in law has her baby and said if I am ever in Singburi, I can stay at her house. She wrote down my birthday and I wrote down hers. She ended the conversation by giving me a hug and telling me that she loves me and will miss me. It’s hard to think about another big move in the near future but it’s also okay because I have a family here. I have a community that recognizes me and is excited to see me. The roads feel familiar and my life is now routine. There’s still a little more for me to do in Singburi but it’s almost the end and it’s alright. |